Reflections on Domestic Abuse
by A/E Welcome
It’s no surprise domestic abuse came up this past month. After all, the most popular guest Holly chatted with recently was Christy Mack, a woman whose many achievements and passions tend to be overshadowed by an infamous incident of extreme violence. Still, no one knew the harrowing subject would come up yet again with Sofia Rose. Holly sat down to interview the gorgeous, confident fetish performer expecting to mostly chat about Sofia’s experience as a BBW MILF in the industry. Around forty minutes in, the conversation took a sudden turn. For the first time publicly, Sofia described how only a week before she’d suffered life threatening domestic violence at the hands of her previous life and work partner. Sadly, Sofia and Christy aren’t even the first to share stories of unforgivable abuse on the show. Everyone from Briana Banks in 2019 and Leah Gotti just this May have chosen to open up about the unimaginable treatment they’ve withstood from not just partners but family members and others.
The two most recent stories (Sofia and Christy’s) aren’t the same, but the overlap is shocking. Both were brought to the brink of death by men they’d at one point loved and trusted. Both suffered PTSD afterwards, affecting their ability to continue everyday life let alone work in the industry. And, heartbreakingly, both felt the need to couch their shocking stories with assurances that they could have done things differently and that other people have it worse.
It’s maddening to me that these survivors felt compelled to make disclaimers, despite the undeniably horrific nature of both of their assaults. Yet, unfortunately, I understand why. Even people with stories as well-documented and vile as Christy still face massive backlash and blame. To this day she deals with not only her deeply upsetting memories and PTSD, but harassment saying she “got what she deserved” for being a “whore” and should have been killed.
This sort of victim blaming is terribly common in our world and affects those in the public eye exponentially. It’s even worse when survivors are proudly sexual in their public lives and/or have marginalized identities. Sex workers, women of color, and trans women especially (let alone those who belong to multiple of these categories) so often have their assaults turned into a laughing stock. I grew up surrounded by memes about Rihanna’s battery, I watched as Megan Thee Stallion’s shooting was doubted and laughed at, and I can’t believe how normalized so-called “dead hooker jokes” are. I’m still haunted by the 2020 video of three transgender women of color being harassed and assaulted in broad daylight on Hollywood Boulevard while onlookers laughed and jeered, and I know these are only a few examples of how many people’s victimization is normalized and excused.
As if external victim blaming and slut shaming weren’t enough, survivorship so often includes internal shame. Especially in cases of domestic abuse and intimate partner violence, it’s so easy to fall into spirals of self-doubt and guilt. Why didn’t I leave sooner? Would this have happened if I didn’t provoke them? How can I possibly be so traumatized when so many people have it worse? Shouldn’t I be grateful just to be alive? These thought patterns are painful and cause harm, but they’re easy to succumb to at the best of times, let alone if, like so many, you’re isolated from healthy support networks and mental health experts.
There’s no words to describe domestic violence – no simple narratives to sum up abuse. Even the safest, most comfortable story of erratic monsters and helpless victims can feel so incomplete and dismissive of survivors’ true experiences. I know many people who have remained in unsafe situations because they couldn’t see their experiences neatly fitting into this narrative. As Christy Mack put it so eloquently “People like to say that [her attempted murderer is] a monster or that abusers are monsters, but he’s just a man – he’s just a person.” It can be difficult to see the harm being done to you when you imagine the only serious or important examples of abuse are perpetrated by inhuman evil men against fragile, perfectly innocent women.
If you feel unsafe with a partner or family member, please know that you are not alone, and you don’t need to hate the person who hurts you to justify leaving the situation. You can love someone, want the best for them, mourn your healthy relationship with them, and even regret things you’ve done to them without sacrificing your ability to live a fuller, more happy, and safer life apart. Your story doesn’t need to be as horrific as Christy or Sofia’s to be worthy of recognition. Your situation doesn’t need to be as perilous as theirs to be worth removing yourself from. So often, our shame and embarrassment (along with other factors) can paralyze us in situations we would rather escape.
I’ll end this difficult piece with a quote from Christy’s episode. “It’s hard to tell people what they should do, but it is worth it to leave. No matter how hard it is – and I understand the dangers – there is so much more to life. There is so much beauty that you can experience without that person holding you down. You are worth it. You are loved. You have a future.”
The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s number in the USA is (800)799-7233